Monday, 1 August 2011

Gill's Blog, Monday 1 August

The day before the ''audition''-night filled with usual dance nightmares , this time Giselle and not Swan lake

Waking early and thinking am I'm going to show

Driving on the motorway-sweating-the lane change to Eastleigh is so fraught!

Missing the turn to the non zoned parking area

Running up Leigh Road

Arriving at the big white space-that I have no right to and feeling an imposter

Ice breaker circle stuff-the sweat beads on my upper lip

Warm up-I send hips and pelvis to places they have not visited in years -it feels so good

Contact with strangers-I feel the fear-will he be repulsed at my body?

Dancing, improvised-just give me the steps!

An email-I am astounded

I return to the white space more nervous than ever

Bonita feeling the same-I wish I was related to her-I love her

Painful stories shared -I feel compelled to comfort but remind myself I am not a teacher

Dancers free in their own bodies showing their dance language without restraint-I can only watch

Being up for it-if not now then never-I have been given a door of opportunity that has been shut for so long

I feel shame at exposing my lack of creativity-where are the steps?

Children dancing-so unselfconscious- so free-so trusting-a plaster rips off an inner deep wound inside me and I want to sob-instead I dab eyes with toilet paper-I'll unpack my emotions later....

Sitting at a table I admire the integrity of others-''We are all adults ......''

later the phone ringing -He wants me to come round-I explain I need time to process and savour allthat I have been given -He puts the phone down on me

Spangle sitting on my lap-nestling in -he senses my contentment and allows me to dance around the house to Kate Bush.........

Going to an exercise class-Alisha Dixon Dance Fusion and hearing the words -''Go slower-less manic''...I hear and obey

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