The day before the ''audition''-night filled with usual dance nightmares , this time Giselle and not Swan lake
Waking early and thinking am I'm going to show
Driving on the motorway-sweating-the lane change to Eastleigh is so fraught!
Missing the turn to the non zoned parking area
Running up Leigh Road
Arriving at the big white space-that I have no right to and feeling an imposter
Ice breaker circle stuff-the sweat beads on my upper lip
Warm up-I send hips and pelvis to places they have not visited in years -it feels so good
Contact with strangers-I feel the fear-will he be repulsed at my body?
Dancing, improvised-just give me the steps!
An email-I am astounded
I return to the white space more nervous than ever
Bonita feeling the same-I wish I was related to her-I love her
Painful stories shared -I feel compelled to comfort but remind myself I am not a teacher
Dancers free in their own bodies showing their dance language without restraint-I can only watch
Being up for it-if not now then never-I have been given a door of opportunity that has been shut for so long
I feel shame at exposing my lack of creativity-where are the steps?
Children dancing-so unselfconscious- so free-so trusting-a plaster rips off an inner deep wound inside me and I want to sob-instead I dab eyes with toilet paper-I'll unpack my emotions later....
Sitting at a table I admire the integrity of others-''We are all adults ......''
later the phone ringing -He wants me to come round-I explain I need time to process and savour allthat I have been given -He puts the phone down on me
Spangle sitting on my lap-nestling in -he senses my contentment and allows me to dance around the house to Kate Bush.........
Going to an exercise class-Alisha Dixon Dance Fusion and hearing the words -''Go slower-less manic''...I hear and obey